If you are a mommy of one or many kids, you need a good friend. Please don’t say, you have your husband and that he is your best friend. He might have been in the beginning of marriage, but as you are blessed with kids and have new hurdles to cross, you need someone you call a good girlfriend.
But how can you tell if she’s a good friend?
Alhumdulillah, I have been blessed with a wonderful friend and she meets all the following requirements.
1. A good friend is someone you vent to, because she is trustworthy
Why is this important? Let’s face it, we are females, and we love to talk about our problems and achievements. We need to share our life by communicating with others. It’s just our nature!
You know the feeling of being around your children all day or all week, and feeling the need for an adult companion? That break you so need from the continuous random questions you get asked, and constantly reminding the little people around you to please,
“Stop fighting!”, “Sit when you are eating!” Remember to brush your teeth!” and on and on and on…
Your need for someone to converse with, is priceless! But what happens when you look towards dear hubby for that? Sometimes he is great, and can be the one who fulfills the need, but other times, he tunes you out ½ hour into the conversation, whether you’re saying something interesting or not.
Males do not think the same way as females, and that’s okay, because it makes sense why we have girlfriends! We have to understand that when a man has an issue or a problem, he figures out a solution alone. If he can’t think of a solution to his problem, then he puts it on the back burner and deals with it another time. He hardly ever stresses over it. You won’t often see a man tossing and turning in bed worrying over things.
2. A good friend gives you honest advice, because she is caring
Beside being there for you when you need to be heard, she can be a great help. She understands you because she is probably going through similar feelings and emotions in life. When you ask her, “Do you know what I mean?” she actually does, and can relate! Oh, how wonderful it is to have someone who really understands you!
When we have issues and trouble in our lives, it usually has to do with a relationship in our life that has gone wrong. We all know that it is wrong to backbite and not a very nice thing to do. That is why our first form of action, should be to complain to Allah (swt) and ask Him for help and guidance.
Our second form of action, can be receiving the advice of a trusted friend who can help. Let’s be careful when addressing the issue, by not naming names and labels when describing our struggles in life. To be a true friend, you can tell your friend to look at herself first, and see if she is able to make changes to ease the situation. We can always improve in many areas of our lives. May Allah (swt) help us to see our faults as an opportunity to change for the better, ameen.
3. A good friend feels close, because your souls are connected
Before you think I’m crazy, hear me out. Your blood sisters can understand you, sporadically throughout your life, but can’t quite fit in the friendship mold 100%. I love my sisters dearly, but we have a past together, and we can sometimes be judgemental and not give one another a chance to change and grow. Which is one of the beneficial reasons we need to have good friends – to help us change and improve for the better, and be more pleasing to Allah (swt).
Many muslim women interact with relative-friends alone. A relative-friend can be any of the following, a sister, mom, aunt, mom-in-law or sis-in-law. Since their life is surrounded with relatives, they don’t see the need, nor do they make the effort or take the time, to have friends outside of the family. I would be cautious of doing this.
Why? Because it is difficult to be absolutely open with a relative-friend, to maintain peaceful family ties.
If your priority is to keep the peace (which is very honorable mashaAllah), being openly honest will not always work in family situations. And if there is no open honesty with the people around you, than there is very little room to grow as a mother, wife and slave of Allah (swt). This can also have opposite implications.
If your relative-friend is too honest and easily critical of you, then you may feel hopeless and not believe in change and the very possibility of improving. A good friend has that balance to give advice when needed, and just lend an ear when it’s not needed. Let’s give ourselves the opportunity to change for the better with a good friend.
4. A good friend knows where she fits in your life, because she is understanding
Remember who you are and what your responsibilities are. I find that sitting peacefully, making dua, reflecting and asking Allah (swt) for guidance really helps me. When I prioritize my life and find a balance that works for my everyday craziness, I find myself categorizing my life in the following order,
- My connection with the Creator
- My connection with myself
- My connection with my husband
- My connection with my children
- My connection with the outside world, which encompasses family, friends etc.
Make a list of your own priorities, and be the judge of what works for you. Share this list with your friend and help her implement this idea in her life as well. When we see things on a list, written down, it can iron out the confusion in our mind. This has given me a sense of peace and balance in my home.
There will be times when you and your friend will have emergencies and last-minute favors to ask of one another. Being a good, dependable friend, means being there for one another. But emergencies don’t happen all the time. Prioritizing your life is the key, and our blessed Prophet (peace and blessing be upon him) emphasized the importance of a balanced life and finding that middle path in everything we do. May we strive to follow in his blessed footsteps, ameen.
5. A good friend is giving, because she is generous
Sharing ideas, from how to potty train a toddler, to how to deal with an annoying teen, are wonderful things to talk about with your friend. Having a cup of coffee together to de-stress, and getting ideas on how to prepare a quick meal plan is even better. Your friend is a jewel, who loves and cares about you. You feel a connection with her like no other. When I think about my good friend, how close we have become through the years, and how much we have helped one another improve, I can’t help but feel a sense of deep connection.
How do I explain this?
There is a tree in Jannah, and everyone’s name is written on a leaf. I say, “My leaf is hanging right next to yours. My soul is very close to yours, my sweet friend.” I tell her how much I care about her and thank her for helping me grow and change for the better. She needs to hear it! It will give her a sense of importance in your life, and a reason to strive to do even more good. It will warm her up inside. There are too many people feeling cold, alone and distant in this world. So go on, say something nice to her. It’s a Sunnah too!
If you ever wish you could do more for your friend, then a gift here and there of what she needs is great, but what’s simply out of this world is DUA! Make dua for her. It is the best gift you can give her. She needs it, you need it, we all need it!
“Oh Allah (swt), please surround us with sweet friends, who will share happy days and silly moments, and make those hard times seem a little less tough. Help her remind us of being a little more gentle, a lot more giving and to be softer in tone of voice. Let us remind one another to do what is most pleasing to You, Allah swt. Let us share good memories, warm teas, sweet chocolate, and reminisce about it in our old age. Ameen ya Allah.”